Stuff White People Like

#88 Having Gay Friends

If white people could draft friends the way that the NFL drafts prospects it would go like this: black friends, gay friends, and then all other minorities would be drafted based on need and rarity to the region.

When choosing gay friends, white people like to base their decision on their own needs and requirements. Younger white people tend to prefer young, social gay people-this is their all important ticket into nightclubs and parties.

When a straight person goes to a gay night club, they are reminded of how progressive and tolerant they are. If they are hit on by a member of the same sex, it provides them with a valuable story that they can use to prove to their other friends that they are more progressive and tolerant. “This guy/girl hit on me, I said I was ’straight but not narrow,’ and it was totally chill. Oh, you went to an Irish bar this weekend? That’s cool, I guess. “

Older white people prefer to be friends with gay parents because it enables their children to experience much needed diversity with people who are, for all intents and purposes, exactly the same as them.

It is also worth noting that a gay friendship of any sort allows white people to feel as though they are a part of the gay rights movement. While white people love being a part of any movement, the gay movement is especially important to them because they can blend in at rallies and protests and spend an afternoon feeling the sting of oppression.

Gay friends are an essential part of a white person’s all-star diversity roster. But they are always on the lookout for the ultimate friend; a gay minority.

It is generally accepted that a gay black friend with a child is considered a once in a lifetime opportunity - like a quarterback who can pass, run, kick, and play linebacker. White people will crawl over each other for the opportunity to claim this person as a friend and add them to their roster of diversity.

Other minorities are also highly prized and assigned a ranking based on the level of intolerance in they face from their respective cultures and family members.

Once a white person has told you about their gay friends, it is recommended that you say “I wish more people were like you,” every few months. This will allow them to feel good about their progressive choice of friends and remind them that they are better than other white people.

If you follow this simple rule, you should be able to maximize all benefits of white friendship including assistance in moving and free drinks.

#79 Modern Furniture

When white people envision their dream home, a key part of the fantasy involves a least one piece of furniture designed by a famous architect from the 1930s.

Architects like Mies van der Rohe and Le Corbusier designed iconic modern furniture that has inspired virtually everything made by Ikea and Design Within Reach, both of which are key suppliers of furniture to white people.

But as with all things, white people will do whatever it takes to secure authenticity including paying thousands of dollars for a small piece of furniture.

If they are able to acquire this prized furniture, they will forever refer to it only by the designers name. “I spend hours in the van der Rohe, just looking through these beautiful books of his work.”

Referring to a white person’s expensive chair as a ‘chair’ is considered poor form and will likely result in a loss of trust and/or respect.

The best strategy for avoiding this faux pas is to look for the most uncomfortable chair in a white person’s home and ask “who designed that?” If they say “Ikea” or “Design within Reach” you can call it a chair, otherwise refer to it only by the name they give you.

It should also be noted that many white people are unable to acquire this furniture, but that does not mean you cannot use this information to your advantage.

In situations where you need to improve your connection with a white person, just mention how you hope to be successful enough to one day afford an original piece of furniture by . If they have heard of the designer they will nod in agreement, if they have not, they will also nod in agreement and make a note to look it up later.

In either case, your status will rise.

CONVERSELY: you have


#10 - Having Rich White Friends

March 18, 2008

Every black male or female has had a rich white friend at least once in their life. Having a rich white friend is not only gratifying for the black person, but also the white person. Rich white people love having black friends. It gives them an inside scoop, in what’s going on in the black community, which they will take notes carefully and have many stories to tell at their next get together.

So why do blacks like having white friends? For the perks of course. Going out with a rich white friend guarantees you a free ride, free food, drinks on them, and attending swanky white parties at Country Clubs and Mansions.

If your white friend ever denies you anything don’t worry because they are so easy to manipulate, just ask “is it because I’m black?” Now your white friend is obligated to stay friends with you, which means you can still reap the benefits. Occasionally invite your rich white friend to stay at your house; this gives them an opportunity to try authentic Black food, and a great reason to wear a durag to sleep.

Having a rich white friend is good. But having a rich white friend with a teenage sister is better. Black males love them an occasional white girl, vice versa. This gives the black male incentive to continue his friendship with the white male and also stay at the rich white males house to engage in premarital sex with his white friends younger sister. Afterwards, be sure to head downstairs to enjoy the abundance of snacks a rich white pantry has to offer.

Black Male - 1 White Guy - 0


Thanks Michelle!

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